The US, apparently, is becoming increasingly averse to parties. As The Atlantic noted last month, only an average of 4.1 percent of Americans attended or hosted social events on an average weekend or holiday in 2023. The problem isn’t due to a lack of desire: Most people are happy with the number of friends they have, per a 2024 study, but less than half of respondents were satisfied with the amount of time they spent with these friends.
Parties are, of course, a simple-in-theory way to bring a bunch of people together, but preconceived notions about what these gatherings should be can hamstring us from setting a date in the first place. What if no one shows up? Is my house clean enough? I’m a terrible cook with crappy dinnerware. Is this the most boring party ever? “There’s traditionally been a lot of pressure, especially on women, to be an accomplished host right out the gate,” says Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-president at the Emily Post Institute. “It’s a skill that we develop over time.”
Rather than work yourself into a ball of nerves, I propose a humble gathering solution: the come-as-you-are party. Growing up, I heard tales of these impromptu, deliciously fun get-togethers my grandparents pulled together within a few hours in the ’70s and ’80s. Every so often, the story goes, my grandfather would wake up on a Saturday morning and casually suggest having a party that evening. All day long, my grandparents would call their friends to invite them over later. The only catch: Don’t change your clothes, don’t shower, and simply show up in whatever you’re wearing. Oh, you’re painting your kid’s bedroom? Well, looks like you’re attending a party in paint-splattered coveralls.
The only catch: Don’t change your clothes, don’t shower, and simply show up in whatever you’re wearing.
Perhaps the key to a successful party — and in fact, making sure you throw one at all — is to minimize the amount of time spent agonizing over it. Despite the fact that my grandmother managed to clean the house and prepare enough food for over two dozen guests in a matter of hours, she says the event never caused her anxiety. She loves to cook and if people couldn’t come, well, no sweat. “It was on a Saturday, and there was no stress,” my grandmother told me recently. “They didn’t have to get dressed up. They didn’t have to go get their hair done.”
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According to Priya Parker, the author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, my grandparents may have hit on something important long before the party recession and decades before the loneliness crisis: Your house will never be clean enough, the decor never perfect enough, the menu never tasty enough, and the timing never ideal enough for a party, so you should just throw one anyway. “People prefer connection over perfection,” Parker says.
Throw the party you’d want to attend
Hanging out with your friends ideally shouldn’t feel like drudgery or an obligation. Lower the stakes, and the standards, by hosting a gathering you’d want to attend yourself, Parker says. For my grandparents, that was a low-effort evening where attendees brought their booze of choice and played drinking games all night. Maybe yours is having people over for a Fast & Furious marathon or a brunch party because you’re neither a morning person nor a night owl.
Even in an age of overscheduling and burnout, guests are less likely to turn down a low-lift, delightful invitation, Parker says. People can more easily find time to squeeze in an impromptu pasta night when a friend texts “I have too much basil, come over and eat some pesto!” when all that’s required of them is to show up with an appetite. All that’s needed is a reason to hang out: According to a 2022 study, the most socially fulfilling parties are ones where there’s food and drink as well as a reason for celebrating. “A huge part of thinking about how [to] gather and not worry about all of these other things,” Parker says, is “one simple conceit that helps wake up the group, connect the group.”
Try not to let any declines bruise your ego, Post says. It’s not about you.
No reason for gathering is too small, says Kelley Gullo Wight, an assistant professor of marketing at Indiana University and the co-author of the 2022 study on celebrations and social support. “Maybe someone just submitted a big project at work,” she says. “Maybe someone just did their first yoga class, and that was a hard thing to go do.” Amassing even a small group to revel in the good moments helps to build a social network that will reliably show up when things get rough, too.
Instead of overthinking every possible detail, from aesthetics to entertainment, Post suggests a short checklist of essentials: basic refreshments, a clean-enough space, and a welcoming attitude.
Still, the most hospitable mindset doesn’t ensure that people actually show up. With impromptu parties especially, some would-be guests may have other plans. Try not to let any declines bruise your ego, Post says. It’s not about you. Sometimes, the invitation alone may be enough to show your friends how much you appreciate them. And if you desire to live in a social environment where your friends prioritize reciprocity, gathering, and inclusion, you might need to make the first move. Soon enough, others may follow your lead.
If you’re consistently throwing little shindigs — my grandparents hosted several parties throughout the year — chances are greater that more people can attend. What matters is giving yourself space to spend time with the people you love in whatever way possible. Even if your guests do show up in sweatpants.
