How to be a better complainer

Among my least admirable qualities is my penchant for complaining. I’m quick to vent to anyone who’ll listen, to moan and groan over any minor nuisance. In other words, if I’m annoyed, inconvenienced, or even slightly put out, you’ll know.

Take, for instance, a recent flight that devolved into a delay, a diversion, a missed connection, another delay, and eventually, arriving at the wrong airport, about which I griped to at least five friends and my mother. Or my whines before, during, and following an ultramarathon I willingly participated in. I complain for sport. And, to some extent, everyone else does, too.

To complain is human, according to Robin Kowalski, a psychology professor at Clemson University. Everyone does it to varying degrees. Some are infrequent kvetchers, while others complain incessantly and always seem to have an excuse for why any potential solution to their woes is insufficient. It should come as no surprise then that venters on the extreme end of the spectrum tend to drive people away.

But complaining isn’t all bad, Kowalski says, and it’s especially useful when it helps solve a problem. For me, expressing angst scratches an itch that simply staying quiet does not. By airing my grievances, I might lessen their power over my emotions, or at least make a joke out of them, my thinking goes. The tricky part is knowing how much to complain and to whom.

“If we’re a good complainer, we’re going to complain strategically,” Kowalski says. “We’re going to do it in moderation.”

We usually feel the need to complain when there is a mismatch between expectation and reality that leaves us feeling dissatisfied. The food delivery took longer than anticipated. A friend always talks about themselves without asking you about your day. Your kid’s soccer practices are too far away.

The problem is, we aren’t very effective complainers. According to a study, the majority of our complaints are meant simply to vent frustration (often about another person) or to elicit sympathy, not to come up with a game plan on how to fix the situation. As a result, one of the primary motivators of complaining is catharsis. Actively suppressing emotions has been linked with negative well-being, stress, lower self-esteem, and even early death, not to mention the observed experience of anxiety and inner turmoil.

“We can get that release from it by complaining,” Kowalski says. “That’s where the psychological benefit comes from.”

Other functions of complaining are a little less obvious.

We sometimes complain in order to shape the way others view us, according to Kowalski. For instance, complaining about the quality of wine at a restaurant in order to convey that you have high-class taste, when maybe you’re perfectly satisfied.

Griping can help hold people accountable for their behavior, too. If your partner is always late coming home from work, and you make your annoyance known, they may offer an explanation.

Finally, complaining is an excellent icebreaker. “Think about when you go to a doctor’s office, invariably, you’re going to be sitting there waiting forever,” Kowalski says. “You don’t know these other people in the waiting room, but you may complain to these total strangers about the very fact that you’re having to wait, because that’s something that you have that you have in common.”

Anyone with a friend or in-law who never hides their dissatisfaction can attest to the obnoxiousness of excessive complaining. These whiners drive people away with their negativity and dissatisfaction. But why do they continue?

Because complaining can become reflexive, and over-complainers may not even think about why they’re doing it or what they hope to achieve, Winch said. Complaining has become nearly ubiquitous given the relative ease of airing a grievance online, whether through a negative Google review or TikTok. Posting a few negative reviews doesn’t necessarily mean we’re complaining too much, but when it becomes a default, we may become less mindful of when and why we’re lamenting.

Failing to think up a solution isn’t necessarily a bad thing — not every complaint needs to be resolved — but we can get stuck ruminating if we don’t address certain issues. Worse still is a phenomenon called co-rumination, where two people constantly complain to one another. “It’ll bond you,” Winch says. “You’ll feel really tight, and then you’ll feel really depressed.” On top of that, if you rely on the same person as a sounding board, there’s a risk of irritating them, too.

Complaining also has contagious effects. Listening to another’s grumbles might make us aware of our own dissatisfaction and therefore more likely to make complaints, Kowalski says. If you spend enough time mired in complaints, the scales will seem perpetually weighed against us, and the world becomes a negative place where we can never win.

An effective complainer knows when, why, and to whom they’re griping. To get better at venting, first take stock of how often you do it, about what, and how it makes you feel. If you’re grumbling about your commute to your spouse every day and the conversation only makes you feel worse, you’re not getting the cathartic benefit of complaining. Once you start to notice the frequency of your complaints, the more aware you’ll become in the future.

Also, pay attention to others’ reactions. Maybe you notice your best friend rolls their eyes and pulls their phone out when you launch into yet another diatribe — that’s a good sign you may be complaining to them too much. Try to spread the love and avoid venting to only one person, or just stick to one topic. “Just be strategic in your audience that you’re selecting for your complaints,” Kowalski suggests. This might look like biting your tongue about work complaints in front of your boss, but expressing your discontent with a close friend.

You might decide you don’t even need an audience at all. Journaling can be an effective way to air your complaints without annoying anyone. You could also vent aloud to yourself if it helps you blow off some steam. “Somebody cut me off yesterday when I was driving,” Kowalski says. “I had a lot to say that they couldn’t hear.”

Finally, think about what you hope to achieve by complaining: To get a refund for poor service? For a friend to make an effort not to cancel plans? Validation? An apology? “Once you know what that is, then you work backwards,” Winch says. “What’s the best way to get it? How do I get that person to do that thing?”

For customer complaints or interpersonal grievances where you hope someone will change their behavior, Winch suggests what he calls a complaint sandwich. Start with a positive observation, then voice your concerns, and wrap up with how you’d like to move forward. Something like, “I love this spa, but my most recent service was disappointing. I’ll definitely be back, but I’d really love a discount.”

Still, you want to be selective when having these conversations, and reserve it for the complaints that really matter to you. Venting to another person and getting validation feels nice, but you need to have an action-oriented step, too. What can you do to improve the situation? You have more control than you think.

“There’s got to be the validation, the compassion, and then the action, the problem solving,” Winch says, “something that makes you feel that you have agency.”

This nugget of wisdom was a wakeup call. My complaints almost certainly lacked an element of problem solving. I was just blowing hot air, surely annoying everyone around me. Moving forward, I don’t know if I’ll minimize the number of complaints I make, but I will be more selective of my audience — and mindful of the solutions to my issues.