If the popular song is to be believed, there’s no place like home for the holidays.
But getting there is going to cost you. Americans plan to spend an average of $2,330 on holiday travel this year, according to NerdWallet’s 2024 Holiday Spending Report. Factor in another $900 on gifts, per the report, and hundreds more on all the usual living expenses and you’ve got a hefty credit card bill come January 1.
You would think that it’d be easy to opt out of unnecessary and pricey holiday travel, but sometimes external pressures and expectations can make it hard to say no. Parents may look forward to spending uninterrupted time with their adult children and grandchildren during this time of year. If you’re coupled, that doubles the coordination: Pairs might weigh whose hometown to visit.
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“We, as a culture, put so much emphasis on the holidays being the most important time — even though I don’t believe that’s true — that families get together,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Nicolle Osequeda. “[People] feel really obligated to meet the needs of their family … and moreover, not to disappoint them.”
As much as you’d like to make the grandparents happy and get out of town for the holidays, sometimes your budget just won’t allow it. If you’re nervous about how to approach negotiations with your partner or break the news to your family, therapists offer some guidance on what to say and how to compromise.
Set your holiday priorities
Beyond just setting a budget, Osequeda suggests first getting clarity on what an ideal holiday looks like for you. During a time of year when people are often making decisions out of obligation, ask yourself what’s actually important to you this holiday season. Maybe it’s paying down debt or saving for a major purchase. Everyone’s reasons will be a little different.
By focusing on what’s important to you, you can determine what you can afford. It’s not worth going into debt because you want to do it all this holiday season. “If there’s a reality that there’s three things you want to do and you can only afford to do two … just closing your eyes and putting things on credit cards is going to create bigger problems down the line,” says Matt Lundquist, founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy.
“Those conversations go better when everybody is willing to put their cards on the table and say, ‘This is what I want, this is why it’s important to me.’”
Getting clear on what you want helps you advocate for yourself when making plans with your partner, too. You may choose to prioritize some form of travel, but aren’t able to accommodate visiting both you and your partner’s families. Again, discuss your holiday goals and let your significant other know how your proposed plans align with that goal. If it’s been years since your partner’s been home, you might decide to visit them for Thanksgiving and then invite your family over for a New Year’s Eve party.
“Those conversations go better when everybody is willing to put their cards on the table and say, ‘This is what I want, this is why it’s important to me,’” Lundquist says, “rather than the situation where we’re guessing what the other person wants and having to navigate reading between the lines.”
Break the news as soon as possible — and be direct
Many people have a tendency to delay sharing news that might be potentially upsetting, Lundquist says. But don’t string your family along. As soon as you’ve determined you can’t make it, let your loved ones know so they can deal with their disappointment or offer a compromise, Lundquist says.
Then, tell your family in a “kind but clear way,” Osequeda says, why you can’t make it — but avoid over-explaining. You owe your loved ones an explanation, but you don’t need to justify your choices, she says. The more justification you proffer, the more “people start to poke holes in your argument,” Osequeda says, and may try to convince you to spend beyond your budget.
If you’re unsure of how to tell your family, Osequeda suggests: “This is hard for me, but I’ve decided not to come home for the holidays this year because of the expenses involved. I understand if you’re disappointed. However, right now I really need to focus on [staying on top of my bills/not being stressed out over finances/not putting more money on my credit card/getting gifts for the kids]. Are there ways that we can still connect during the holidays that don’t include me traveling?”
You might get some blowback from family members offering unsolicited criticism on what you choose to spend money on. (Which is none of their business anyway.) Remember that you’re making this choice based on your budget and financial needs, Lundquist says, and sometimes you’re going to make decisions that upset others. “I can’t get myself into debt to avoid you being upset,” he says, “And I also don’t want to organize our relationship in a way where those are the terms.”
But be open to compromise
Of course, your family might be entirely understanding and want to find a way to see you. It’s worth trying to find a happy medium, Osequeda says. If you have young kids and schlepping the whole family across the country is out of the question, you could ask your parents to travel to you if they’re able. Some families may offer to split the cost of travel with you.
Get as creative as you want: Meeting somewhere in the middle, making a plan to visit during a cheaper time of year, promising to save up so you can come next year.
Maybe these bigger asks are out of the question. You could make a smaller compromise and suggest FaceTiming the family during dinner or when the kids open presents.
If you’ve determined that your holiday wouldn’t be complete if you weren’t at home, there are also other ways to make it work. For the cheapest flights, you might consider departing on the holiday itself and returning home during the week after the holidays. Try to carry on your luggage instead of checking a bag to save on fees. Driving will generally be cheaper than flying for shorter trips, but be sure to factor in extra travel time for holiday traffic. But if you’re traveling across the country, your time and money is better spent on flying. Other ways to lower the cost of holiday travel, according to NerdWallet, are to use miles or points for flights and hotels and to book rideshares to and from the airport in advance.
Regardless of where you spend the holidays, you should still find time to get together with people you care about, whether it’s a local Friendsgiving or neighborhood potluck.
“If you are unable to make it to your family because of financial reasons,” Osequeda says, “it doesn’t mean that you have to sit home alone miserably.”
